Part 1: Awakening to Possibility
Dear Diary,
Something incredible has happened.
I woke up today and didn’t notice the weight of my arms as I rolled out of bed. I brushed my teeth without a thought, and my face was washed with something other than a 70-day-old cleanser. I’m basically cured.
Okay, I’m kidding. I am in no way cured. How can I explain what I am now … I guess the best way to describe it would be “secure.” I have found mental security and stability, as a means to achieving longterm happiness.
I've long felt apathetic toward my own life, not due to lack of love or significant trauma (only a little bit of trauma), but rather a disconnect. Joy seemed elusive, fleeting, with no one to anchor it to me. It felt as though love and hope slipped through my fingers before I could fully embrace them.
And it’s not like I was going to magically make myself happy! I swear, I tried everything under the sun to feel joy. Food, dating, hitting goals, exercising, meditating, being mindful—you name it, I gave it a shot. But guess what, diary? None of it worked. It was like my brain had a mind of its own, constantly reminding me of past failures instead of letting me enjoy the good stuff. It was like my mind had this default setting that said, "Hey, you're never gonna be in control of your own happiness."
Part 2: The Journey to Security
I found myself addicted to sadness, enveloped in a shroud of darkness that I had grown accustomed to. While it's tempting to blame myself, I recognize the fortune in my mental health success stories.
Yes, that’s where this is leading. A successful mental health journey.
No, I am not cured. I still get sad and experience dark moments. I did the work to get better, something I was grateful to have had the energy for at this stage of my life. With the right combination of medication, coping skills, and mental health professionals, I’ve finally achieved my mental fitness goal: feeling secure.
My moments of sadness don’t spiral into a deep, dark void. It’s something … new. I often take a moment to just breathe in and out, grounding myself to the present moment. Deep breathing helps me realize that I am in control. The comfort this brought to me was unprecedented, and it actually scared me.
It can be hard to move on from a life you’re accustomed to. I have to remind myself every day to feel gratitude for my newfound ability to experience mental security and stability. The thing about security is, it is a means to feel safe. For the first time, I feel safe in my own body.
For the first time, I’m here.
Love,
Morgan
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